Eyes

I can see it in your eyes.
Fear. Anxiety. Worry. Sadness. Hurt. Frustration. Anger

You think I don't notice.
I notice everything.

You try to hide it.
I see right through you.

You don't understand.
You love me so much.
You want what is best for me.
You wish you could take it away.
You wish it was you.
You wish there was something more to do.

I wish you could come inside my brain.  I wish you could sit with me for a cup of coffee while I share with you how God works in my life.  How he provides for all of my needs.  What he has placed on my heart and how he has confirmed it.  How he calms my heart to see his blessings when things are not going the way I want them to.  I wish I could help you understand what I feel with such certainty.  That which God took the time to lay on my heart. And confirm.  Over and over.

I can't explain it well.
I have a hard time finding the right words.
I know what the doctor says.
I also know some things about my God:

He tells us to ask for what we need. (1 John 5:14)
He tells us to be persistent. (Luke 18)
Faith made people well in the Bible (Matthew 9:18-34)
There isn't anything God can't do.  (Jeremiah 32:27)
God has a plan. Jeremiah (29:11)
He will fight for me. I need only to be still.  (Exodus 14:14)

Dear friends, stand with me.
Dig in your heels and stand tall.
Stand in Faith.
BELIEVE.
The devil is smart.
He knows that some of us are wavering.
Fear and doubt are two of his greatest weapons.
Fight him with everything in you.
Even when it is hard.
Even when all evidence points the other way.
PRAY.
Tell the devil to get lost.
There is no place for him on Team Chin!
Scream it at him if you have to
Our God is SOOOOOO much bigger than he could ever dream to be.
Stand in Faith.
BELIEVE.

I am going to leave you with a video to watch.
Britt Nicole says it so much better than I ever could.



ON HIS PROMISE I WILL STAND
ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND

Memory Lane

Sometimes I do things that force me to walk down what I will call "Cancer Memory Lane."  It is where I am doing something or talking to someone and I have to think back through my whole cancer journey.  Each and every treatment, doctor's appointment, scan, diagnosis, phone call, meeting, the whole she-bang.
It is not something I enjoy.
It is actually something I avoid doing as much as possible.
It is hard.
It makes me uncomfortable.  Like squirm out of my seat and run as fast as I can the other direction uncomfortable.
It floods me with emotions that I am not always equipped to deal with.

Tonight I was writing an email when my brain decided to take its own little trek down "cancer memory lane."  You see, I have a scan coming up on Friday and I was telling someone about it.  I was telling her what I am praying for.  Telling her how much I really just want to know if the results will be good or bad and at the same time I never want to know.  (Basically, I just want to know the future-too much to ask, I know)  The message from church tonight on surrender must have also been on my mind because  all of a sudden my mind simply took its own detour.  Reminding me what I was feeling in October of 2011 when we were waiting for biopsy results and turning the idea of pregnant with cancer over in our minds.  Reminding me how scared I was.  Reminding me how much anticipation and anxiety is supposed to be in this scan week.  Reminding me of how many times I we have prayed for things in this cancer journey and God has said "no."

And then I realized how much my life has changed since that day almost two years ago.
I realized how much of a different person I am now.
I realized how much I have learned- about myself, my faith, my family, medical knowledge.
I realized how many people I have praying for me- creating a shield around me from fear and anxiety. 
I realized how many times I have seen, really-truly-honestly-can't deny it is him- seen God's hand at work in my life.

I know that I have prayed for lots of things on this cancer journey that God has answered "no" to.  That doesn't mean that he does not love me.  It does not mean that he is not taking care of me.  It doesn't mean that he isn't going to heal me.  It simply reminds me that he knows better right now.  His plan is better and he can see the whole picture. As hard as that is, I am so thankful for that!!

This week should hold all kinds of fear, anticipation, and anxiety.  Two years ago it would have been unbearable.  I want to say that today it doesn't even matter.  I can't.  It does matter, there will still be anticipation but I refuse to give in to the anxiety and fear.  God has a plan.  It will turn out his way.  He will be victorious and it will be good.
Will you simply join me in praying that I would be able to "trust God more" this week?

PS- I am so thankful for you.  Thankful for your prayers, notes, cards emails, meals, all of it.  I am thankful the way you walk this journey with me whether you truly know me or not.  It humbles me to no end and I am thankful that you let God use you to bless me.

Summer

We spent June and July savoring precious moments like this. . .  

Nannie went home to be with Jesus on  July 12 and we were blessed to be with her in her final days here on earth and then celebrate her life with a beautiful memorial service.

Then Mollie, Crosby, and Carter came for "bacation" in Papa's "grambilla"

 The grands got to have their first Build A Bear experience where Marge, 

Pinkie, 

Bubbles, 

And Daddy-Tractor/Puppy were created.

Grammie has spent lots of time with us as my treatments have gone on (and on and on and on)  We are so thankful for her loving, caring, servant heart.  We couldn't do it without her!

We've tried to get outside as much as possible and enjoy the sunshine,

We've spent a lot of time perfecting our tractor driving

And spent an afternoon at the Carver County Fair learning about "treats"

and llamas. . . (if anyone can tell me why there were llamas at the county fair I would appreciate it!)

We experienced our first big bonk, 

And have spent lots of time loving on this guy as he learns a new normal to his life.  We like to visit him on Friday afternoons and you can bet that we rarely show up without a treat!

Can you believe that next week is the beginning of September?  We can't!!  Our summer has been crazy.  So different than we expected but that's the way life goes.  It has taught us to rely even more on God and trust his timing for our lives.

  We are trusting God with my scan next week.  We refuse to let Satan use fear as a weapon in the coming days.  We trust God too much to let Satan rob us of our security.

To be honest, I am craving a normal life. 

 A break. 

 A period of time without treatment.

and side effects. 

and doctor visits.

and fatigue.

  Would you join us in praying that we would have scan results that warrant no more chemo?  All the while trusting that God knows best and if Dr. Bloom says more chemo, we will walk into it with a happy heart because "We hold unswervingly to the hope we profess because he who promised is faithful" (Hebrews 10:23).

Tractor

There is a sweet boy in my life who has an obsession.  He looks everywhere for them.  Points them out constantly.  Maybe even over uses the word.  

Tractor!

 Imagine his glee when we decided to do a photo shoot the afternoon before Auntie Kim's wedding. . .  He didn't wait for us.  He simply took off with one thing on his mind.

Tractor!

I knew he wouldn't look at the camera.  I didn't care.  All I wanted was to capture the preciousness that he is right now. . .  

Those baby blue eyes. . .   That reddish hair. . . The translucent skin. . .  

The funny leg kick he does when he is excited and running. .  .  (and his sweet buns that Auntie Katie would pinch in a heartbeat)

The inquisitive nature of wanting to know just how things work. . . 

The "papa pants" just like his dad used to wear. . . 

The thrill of a first tractor ride. . . 

And the innocence of 18 months. . .  

I'd say we captured just that. . . 

Too Long

It's been too long since we have been here.  We've said that before.  We have been busy:

We graduated from ECFE. 

We tried to watch Ryan run a 10k on his birthday (it got rained out). 

We visited the MN Zoo 

with Grammie and Papa  

We visited Como Zoo with Grandma and Grandpa 

We learned that our sweet Nannie is journeying home to Jesus. 

We spent time loving on Big Papa (by sharing mooching his donuts)

 

We watched Ryan run the re-run of the 10K (and by watched I mean sat in the trunk of the car and ate breakfast)

and cheered loudly as he finished despite the humidity and "challenging hills!"

We found a sand bottom pool to spend time in. 

And we helped Auntie Kim get married.

 

 

We have been busy enjoying each day and thanking God for his continued provision in our life!  If you would, please join us in praying for Nannie as she prepares to meet Jesus.  Pray for continued peace and freedom from pain.  We love her and trust that this is God's plan.  We are thankful that she will get to experience the joy that Heaven is and experience true and complete healing and restoration of her body.

Did You Miss Us?

It has been a while since we've been here.  We have been busy.    Busy getting treatments.  Busy learning to walk.  Busy training for a 10K run.  (I'll leave it up to you to determine which member of our family is doing which of those events)  Busy enjoying life.  Busy being thankful.  Busy watching God provide and meet our daily needs.  Our days are full.  Laughter, friends, endless babbling, new experiences.  We are in an awesome place of dependence on a God who continues to amaze us in his anticipation of our needs.  We are thankful for every person he uses to help us.  We are thankful for his love.  We are thankful for this little face:

 Thankful for new teeth:

 Thankful for daddies who can put wagons together:

 Thankful for ECFE and our friends and teachers:

And thankful for the hope we hold unswervingly to because the one who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23)

What are you thankful for today?

Easter

Easter celebrations started Saturday night with dying of easter eggs.  Papa just needed an assistant and Leo was much obliged to help.  He took eggs from one dye to the next happily until he became the mighty egg crusher when he decided to crush eggs with one hand.  Then his work ended quickly as he not only crushed eggs with one hand but tried to flip bowls of dye.

Leo and Mom on Easter morning.  Aren't you glad Auntie Katie made him get the hat.??

 Leo quickly found his easter basket at Grammie and Papa's and was more than excited about the bubbles!

My sweet friend Holly and I found these mustaches at the mall.  I.  just.  couldn't. resist.  He was so funny!  Just left it on and played.  He knows he is cute. . . they both do actually. . . kind of scary.

 Family pictures.

Coordinating everyone is getting harder these days but Leo wanted to show off his latest skill: standing on his own :-)

We are so thankful for Easter.  We are thankful for Jesus and the price he paid for us.  We are thankful for the hope that comes with that empty tomb.  So thankful!