Memory Lane

Sometimes I do things that force me to walk down what I will call "Cancer Memory Lane."  It is where I am doing something or talking to someone and I have to think back through my whole cancer journey.  Each and every treatment, doctor's appointment, scan, diagnosis, phone call, meeting, the whole she-bang.
It is not something I enjoy.
It is actually something I avoid doing as much as possible.
It is hard.
It makes me uncomfortable.  Like squirm out of my seat and run as fast as I can the other direction uncomfortable.
It floods me with emotions that I am not always equipped to deal with.

Tonight I was writing an email when my brain decided to take its own little trek down "cancer memory lane."  You see, I have a scan coming up on Friday and I was telling someone about it.  I was telling her what I am praying for.  Telling her how much I really just want to know if the results will be good or bad and at the same time I never want to know.  (Basically, I just want to know the future-too much to ask, I know)  The message from church tonight on surrender must have also been on my mind because  all of a sudden my mind simply took its own detour.  Reminding me what I was feeling in October of 2011 when we were waiting for biopsy results and turning the idea of pregnant with cancer over in our minds.  Reminding me how scared I was.  Reminding me how much anticipation and anxiety is supposed to be in this scan week.  Reminding me of how many times I we have prayed for things in this cancer journey and God has said "no."

And then I realized how much my life has changed since that day almost two years ago.
I realized how much of a different person I am now.
I realized how much I have learned- about myself, my faith, my family, medical knowledge.
I realized how many people I have praying for me- creating a shield around me from fear and anxiety. 
I realized how many times I have seen, really-truly-honestly-can't deny it is him- seen God's hand at work in my life.

I know that I have prayed for lots of things on this cancer journey that God has answered "no" to.  That doesn't mean that he does not love me.  It does not mean that he is not taking care of me.  It doesn't mean that he isn't going to heal me.  It simply reminds me that he knows better right now.  His plan is better and he can see the whole picture. As hard as that is, I am so thankful for that!!

This week should hold all kinds of fear, anticipation, and anxiety.  Two years ago it would have been unbearable.  I want to say that today it doesn't even matter.  I can't.  It does matter, there will still be anticipation but I refuse to give in to the anxiety and fear.  God has a plan.  It will turn out his way.  He will be victorious and it will be good.
Will you simply join me in praying that I would be able to "trust God more" this week?

PS- I am so thankful for you.  Thankful for your prayers, notes, cards emails, meals, all of it.  I am thankful the way you walk this journey with me whether you truly know me or not.  It humbles me to no end and I am thankful that you let God use you to bless me.