Tuesday, May 29, 2012


It's here. The day I have waited for since October. Surgery day. I'm sitting here at 5:30am having gotten up specifically to drink some major huge glasses of water and eat breakfast before I am cut off from food and drink until I wake up from surgery. And we all know that I am going to feel like chowing down right then. Haha. I don't think I will be able to go back to sleep this morning either. Too many thoughts running through my head. not in a bad way, just too much going on up there. My heart is calm. A calm that all of you who know me understand is not typical of me in big situations. It is only possible with my God. He is amazing and I am so thankful that I can trust him to work everything out according to his plan. He has provided over and over and over again along this journey and I have no reason to doubt him. Things might not go according to my plan and what I have said I would like to happen but they will go according to his plan. He will not fail me and his plan is so much better than anything I could ask or imagine. Even when I don't understand it. Today is a big day. Life changing. Can I just tell you how blessed I am? My whole family is here loving on Ryan, Leo and I. Because of them, I can focus on healing and getting myself better and not worry about my little guy or my big guy. I know that they are both going to be taken care of by the best aunties, uncles, grammies, papas, and cousins. They are amazing and God knew what he was doing when he put our family together. Thank you from the bottom of my toes! It doesn't seem like enough to just say thanks. I could not do this without you. Ok. Time to sign off. Thanks for praying for us today. God is big enough. I CAN do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


 Doesn't this look relaxing?  Don't lie!  IT DOES and IT WAS!!!  With the blessing of my medical team Ryan and I booked a long weekend in Phoenix.  We just needed a break.  Things have been nuts since October and the stress of everything was really beginning to wear on us.  With a short break in the action between chemo and surgery we packed our bags, kissed our little guy good-bye and left for some much needed R & R. 
We found our spots by the lazy river and soaked in the shade.  Yep, that's right, the shade.  I can't technically be in the sun for long amounts of time so we snatched up two chairs under an umbrella and began to unwind.  (Don't mind my eyes in this picture.  I found out the hard way that when you don't have eye lashes, sunscreen gets into your eyes really easily.  There is no explanation for Ryan's face)
This little guy decided to grace us with his presence.  He was actually pretty cool. . . Until the kids at the resort decided that catching him was their mission.
Friday was Ryan's birthday and after our day in the shade we ventured to Old Town Scottsdale for dinner.  We found some little shops along the way and settled on Salty Seniorita for dinner.  It was nothing fancy but the food was awesome!  Yummy mexican dishes!!
And what is a birthday without some dessert?!  We found the Sugar Bowl and had some super yummy ice cream! 
 Good thing the flavor of the month was chocolate chip cookie dough just for the birthday boy!

We spent the next few days just chilling at the resort and eating at yummy restaurants.  We found Tempe and ASU as well as an outlet mall :-)  We spent time in the pool and at night, believe it or not, in the hot tub.

 We found in and out burger on Monday before we left and were both excited because we were first timers!  Strawberry milkshake, YUM!!!
 And, last but not least, we found a way to pay some of our babysitters (don't worry, we paid the others a different way).  We might have gotten some cupcakes for ourselves too. . . All in all, it was a great weekend and we are so thankful for everyone who helped out so we could get away.  We are ready for the next step in our journey as we prepare for surgery on Tuesday.  Thanks for checking in, please continue to pray.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Four Months!

Leo is four months old!  Can you believe it?! He is learning to express himself more and more every day which is really, really fun!  He definitely has opinions about things and is not afraid to let us know what he does and does not like.  He most definitely recognizes faces and knows who certain people are. He is smiling and starting to laugh.

11 lb 4.5 oz
24.5 in
0-3 month clothes
Size 1 diapers
Eating 4oz bottles
Sleeping not as much as we would like (10:00-4:00 on a great night, 10:00-2:00 on an ok night)
His playmat
Any clock or bright light
Ceiling fans
The car
His nuk
Pooping after you change his diaper
Going for walks
Making sure Mom and Dad are awake a few times a night

 Tummy time!

 Being bald like my mommy:

Making sweet faces:
Playing while skyping/facetiming

Having to burp while eating
Sleeping for long periods of time
When his music goes off while sleeping
Getting dressed after a bath
Spitting up
Getting his nails cut
Having his feet painted (tickled)

We have some little cute videos up on our youtube channel: ryleamiller 
We are so blessed to watch Leo grow and are so thankful for the ways God has knit him together.  We love you Leo!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Warning: Baldie Below

I would have to say that one of the things cancer has given me is perspective.  I was sitting in a group of new moms yesterday listening to the conversation.  One mom asked when her hair was going to stop falling out and the others joined right in going on and on about how annoying it was and how you could *gasp* see right through her hair these days.  I just listened for a long time before simply making one comment.  "At least you have hair. . . " I did not say it to be mean or to make anyone feel bad, I simply was telling the truth.  I have come to grips with where I am and right now in this season of my life, I don't have hair.  All I wanted to do was remind these moms that it is all about perspective.  There are bigger things in life than your hair. . . there are people in worse situations. . . just take a minute and be thankful for where you are.  I know that things are not peachy keen right now in my life but you know what, I am BEYOND BLESSED!  Yes I have cancer but I have no complaints.  My needs are met and my God is big.  He provides over and over and over again and I just have to continue to trust him. 

My perspective has recently changed on something else.  Being bald.  I have had two different survivors tell me that I need to take pictures of myself bald because it is not something I will be doing again and I need to document where I am.  I have pretty much refused pictures of my bald head from the beginning.  Honestly, I was embarrassed.  I would not go anywhere without my wig because I did not want those funny looks from people.  I felt like I had somehow, in some way done something wrong and I was embarrassed that I had cancer.  Silly, yes. Real, absolutely!  I don't know where it came from or how it happened but I somehow realized how silly it was to be embarrassed.  Maybe it was the realization that cancer is my platform right now for sharing Jesus with others, maybe it was the fact that wigs are just downright uncomfortable, whatever it was changed my perspective.  I can now go anywhere in just a hat and often walk around home as a baldie.  I am about to do something I have never done and share a picture with the whole world.  It is a little intimidating, I don't want to make anyone sad or upset (another reason it took me so long to wear a hat, I wanted to protect others).  You can choose whether or not to look at it and I will never know. But as I continue to learn about perspective, I am learning to embrace new ideas. . . like the fact that I have a really nice shaped head :-) with some teeny, tiny stubble. . . and a beautiful, amazing sister sitting next to me rubbing my head for luck each step of this journey.