Two Years

When you read this you might think I am not serious or that I was dumb.
 I like to think that I am a pretty smart girl.
 And I promise that I am 100% serious.
 Two years ago it never occurred to me that I could have cancer.
 I am serious.
 Never. crossed. my. stinkin. mind.
I know what a biopsy is.
 I know what it checks for.
 I know I got a call from the doctor that said they wanted me to "come in for results."
 I know that wasn't good news.
 I know that my parents offered to come to the appointment with us.
 I still had no clue.
Cancer was nowhere on my radar.
 All the pieces should have added up, I should have seen it coming.
 I didn't.

 Looking back, it was the very beginning.
 The beginning of God's protection and provision. The beginning of a long journey, a rich one at that.

 I bet you are thinking "The beginning of God's protection? A rich journey? You still have cancer. Your cancer came back. Your last scan showed mixed results! How can you say that God protected you and that you have a rich journey when he has not granted you the one thing we all want and pray for constantly?"

Well,
 How can a girl who is fairly well educated and loves science not add it up to figure out that she could have cancer? How could she miss ALL of the warning signs?! God knew I could not handle it. My control freak nature would want details and a plan. He knew that. He created a mental block in my head and didn't lift it until we had doctors who were equipped with a plan and knew what they were doing. He put Exodus 14:14 in front of my face and reminded me "the Lord your God will fight for you, you need only to be still." He showed me his desire to fight for me through you. Through card senders, phone callers, text messagers, meal makers, laundry washers, house cleaners, errand runners, childcare providers, kind word offerers, gift givers, and ride givers. People who were and still are willing to step up and fill in where I am weak.

 Cancer placed me on a journey of faith. What I would describe as the richest time of my life. A time where I can do absolutely nothing to control what I want to control in the worst way. I know what I want. What we all want. I was reminded the other day of what David told Goliath "The battle is the Lord's." We can want with everything in us to change this and make the cancer go away. Unfortunately, other than take the medicine given and pray, there is nothing else we can do. This battle truly belongs to the Lord and we have to simply walk in his ways and trust him to provide. To give it to the Lord over and over and trust his will to be done. To take each day, each treatment, each doctor appointment as an opportunity to say "God, we trust you more."

 I know that God loves us. He loves us so much more than we can imagine. He is sovereign, and he is good. Oh so good. Two years ago I knew that. I believed it. I would have told you that. I know it in such a different way right now. A way I would have missed if I had never had cancer- and then had it come back. A way in which every fiber of who I am wants to make sure you know it and believe it too.

Two years ago I missed the changing of the leaves (My favorite time of year). I was too scared, too sad, too much trying to control what was going to happen by telling God how this should all go down. God has shown me over the last two years that I can't control any of it, worrying about it isn't going to help, and throwing my own pity party is just plain wasting his (precious) time. 2 Peter 3:9 says "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise" It is all about his time. I am not missing the leaves changing this year. I am taking every opportunity to simply thank God for the beauty that takes my breath away and reminds me of his brilliance, majesty, and splendor.

 I want to leave you with this: that thing we all want and pray for constantly. . . Yet. God has not granted it yet.