Relay

 On July 13 we participated in Relay for Life here in Eden Prairie.  I was the honorary survivor which meant that I had the opportunity to share my story.  Most of you have seen/heard it but if you haven't, it is here on our youtube channel.  I know there have also been pictures posted but here are the few that I have. 

 Leo and I walked the survivor's lap.  He got to walk with me because he had chemo too and he is a survivor just like I am.

These are just a couple of the luminaries that we made.  If you have never been to a Relay for Life before, the luminary ceremony is a must attend event.  The lights go down and they light the luminaries.  You then walk and look at the luminaries in silence remembering and honoring those who have lost their fight or are still fighting.

I have struggled with the words for this post for a few weeks now.  I don't know that I can ever really get it right.  I need to share two important things and I know that I am going to fumble through them and it frustrates me.
1.  I did not want to be a part of Relay.  Not because I don't love Relay.  I love what they do and I was honored and humbled to be there but it was another step in admitting that I am and forever will be linked with the "c" word.  Sometimes I trick my brain into pretending that this is not real or denying that it is a part of who I am.  The other survivors at Relay donned their purple shirts with pride and smiles.  I couldn't bring myself to even put mine on.  (I wore my Team Chin shirt).  Cancer is not something I am proud of.  I don't know that it will ever be.  I look at people in the waiting rooms at the doctor's office and continually try to convince myself that I am not like them.  I. am. not. sick.  Maybe it is because I feel like I did something wrong in my life and I ended up with cancer and I am embarrassed.  I know that is crazy.  I know I did not choose this or do something to get it.   Maybe it is because I am mad at cancer.  I am mad that it gets into people's bodies and wreaks havoc.  I am mad that it flips worlds upside down.  I am mad that people have to endure what I am enduring. Maybe it is because I am terrified by cancer.  Maybe it is because I have no control over something I want to control with every fiber of my being. Maybe it is because cancer has humbled me beyond belief.  In a way, I feel blessed that God trusted me (and my family) enough to give us this to remind us to trust him.  I know that sounds weird but it is true.  God has blessed us through cancer and although I am mad at it (cancer, not God) and scared by it I am continually reminded that God uses all things to work together for my good.

2.  This is one I don't talk much about.  I can't.  I get too emotional.  I can't find the words.  If you listen to my speech from Relay, I glossed over them.  I touched on them. But I can never, ever, ever  seem to find the right way to tell people about them.  I can never find the right words to thank them.  My husband.  My family.  I can't say enough about the importance of them in my fight.  About the ways that they step up over and over and over again.  About the phone calls, emails, texts, tweets, hugs, skypes.  The way they have buffered me from people that I can't talk to.  Or don't feel like talking to.  Or don't have the energy to talk to.  I am sitting here in tears just thinking about the ways they have loved on me through this.  Listen to this song
They are the angels by my side.  No one will ever, ever, ever know or understand the blessing that they are to me no matter how hard I try to explain it.  I love them more than they know and I could not do this without each and every one of them.