Fog

I feel like I have been walking around in a fog all week.   I have been having trouble listening and focusing.  Trouble expressing myself.  Trouble finding words.  None of this is completely out of the new normal for me but my brain is racing remembering exactly where I was and what I was doing 1 year ago.  I even remember what I was wearing, is that weird?!  I still get the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

One year
12 months
52 weeks
365 days
8,765 hours
525,949 minutes
1 baby
15 chemotherapy treatments
33 radiation treatments
3 surgeries
3 hospital stays
countless doctor visits
1 life changing year

Want to know a secret?  I would not trade it for the world.  Yes, it was hard.  No, I don't ever want to go through it again or watch anyone I love go through it.  But. . .

 God. . .

God provided.  He came through in BIG ways.  Unexpected ways.  Small things that people would consider "coincidence" were perfectly orchestrated by God.  I made a list of "ways God provided."  It includes things like "the anesthesiologist at my surgery happened to be at my care conference in December" and "a friend of a friend accepted Leo at the special care nursery."  What a humbling experience to see the hand of God in so many parts of your everyday life.  I feel blessed in a way that God trusted me and my family this much to teach us so many of the lessons he did in the last year about faith, fear, believing, provision, and trust. 

I do not think I am the same person I was a year ago.  In fact, I know I am not.  I feel like I have a completely different perspective.  That my life is going in a new direction.  I feel like I have a handle on what is important, that I have learned to not sweat the small things and rest in the arms of a faithful, merciful, ever providing savior.  He knows so much better than I and it is best to let him lead and not try to direct him.  He has his reasons and He is sovereign.

I am thankful.  So thankful.  Thankful that I am here.  Thankful for God's provision.  Thankful for simple joys.  Thankful for each and every person that prayed for me, sent a card, a text, brought a meal, cleaned my house, cared for Leo, drove me to radiation, and on and on and on.  I would not be here without all of you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Those words will never be enough.  From the very bottom of my heart, thank you.

The last year has been a whirlwind.  Somewhere I never thought I would be.  It changed me forever.    Allowed me to touch other people in ways I never thought I could. Birthed some things in my life that are very, very dear to my heart. Re-centered my soul.  Brought me to the arms of the One Who Holds It All in a whole new way.  And for that, I will be eternally grateful.